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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26122159">Chatroom Against the Apocalypse</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nytrodieth/pseuds/Nytrodieth'>Nytrodieth</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Umbrella Academy (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, BAMF Number Five | The Boy, Bad Puns, Ben Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves Friendship, Body Dysphoria, Family Feels, Family Issues, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Inspired by a meme, Lots of bad puns, Mental Health Issues, Musical References, Post Season 3, Psychotherapy, Sassy Klaus Hargreeves, Sibling Bonding, Soft Luther Hargreeves, Suicide Attempt Reference, Superhero Existential Crisis, Team Dynamics, Team as Family, Unresolved Issues, and it makes them buddies, ben is still dead but he can text with the others anyway, five is an adult supervisor, i guess, issue solving, kinda luther bashing but not exactly, klaus and five are absolute opposites, klaus is a problem child, mentions of pseudo incest, no incest except for the canon maybe, salty ben, snarky diego, stopping the apocalypse, sweet allison, talking conche, there are many vine references here probably, you know klaus, you know luther and allison</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 08:20:37</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>10,257</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26122159</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nytrodieth/pseuds/Nytrodieth</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>// one of those group chat fics, but I'm actually TRYING not to OOC the crap out of the siblings<br/>rated teen for language</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>  <i> five has started the conversation.</i></p><p>  <i>five added luther, diego, allison, klaus [USER DELETED], vanya</i></p><p> </p><p>  five: I have bad news</p><p>  luther: No</p><p>  luther: No doN'T SAY IT</p><p>  luther: FIVE DON'T YOU SAY IT</p><p>  five: we need to stop the apocalypse.</p><p>  luther: NooOOOO</p><p>  [USER DELETED]: there, he said it<br/></p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ben Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves &amp; Klaus Hargreeves, Diego Hargreeves &amp; Luther Hargreeves, Number Five | The Boy &amp; Klaus Hargreeves, everyone &amp; everyone since this is a chat fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>271</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. chatroom against the apocalypse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>not a native english speaker, so forgive me for I have sinned with some nasty grammar constructions<br/>enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>five has started the conversation.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>five added luther, diego, allison, klaus [USER DELETED], vanya.</i>
</p><p>vanya: Hi guys</p><p>five: no unnecessary formalities, if you may</p><p>five: I have bad news</p><p>luther: No</p><p>luther: No doN'T SAY IT</p><p>luther: FIVE DON'T YOU SAY IT</p><p>five: we need to stop the apocalypse.</p><p>[USER DELETED]: there, he said it</p><p>luther: NooOOOO</p><p>diego: for fuck's sake just stop it</p><p>diego: we've stopped two of those things already shouldn't this like be enough or smth ¿?</p><p>five: first of all, it was ME who has stopped them.</p><p>five: and secondly</p><p>five: it appears to me, that we still haven't dealt with the major issue which caused the apocalypse in the first place. so regardless of how many times we escape it will occur sooner or later if the issue isn't properly solved</p><p>allison: So how much time do we have left???</p><p>five: a week.</p><p>diego: no worries then, allison</p><p>diego: it's just about enough for you to get married once again xdfffs</p><p>allison: Hahahah &lt;3</p><p>luther: Haha</p><p>luther: Ha</p><p>luther: Anyway, a Week should let us take some proper action. @five do you have any clues on what made Vanya upset this time?</p><p>diego: bump lol</p><p>vanya: Excuse me?!</p><p>vanya: How are you so certain it was my fault again??!</p><p>luther: Please take thirty Seconds to rethink this question and then join us again vanya</p><p>diego: don't treat her this way you scum</p><p>vanya: ... thanks Diego:)</p><p>diego: I'm not being nice to you, I'm being rude to him</p><p>diego: I'm sure it was your fault again as well lol</p><p>allison: You don't know this Diego, superpowers aren't the only thing that can destroy the world</p><p>allison: It could've been anything</p><p>allison: Nuclear war</p><p>allison: Global warming</p><p>allison: A deadly pandemic</p><p>allison: A hit from an asteroid</p><p>five: it was Vanya</p><p>allison:</p><p>allison: Goddamn work with me here</p><p>five: I literally explained it to you like two messages earlier.</p><p>klaus: he says his arm fell in between flower beds in the backyard and that's why the police couldn't find it</p><p>five: ...</p><p>diego: wtf</p><p>klaus: oh</p><p>klaus: pardonnez-moi, wrong window</p><p>allison: He's hatching some messed-up corpse-talking-involving plot again</p><p>diego: the only hatch klaus should've gone through is a baby hatch 30 years ago</p><p>klaus: god I wish</p><p>diego: same, actually</p><p>allison: Yup</p><p>vanya: Me too</p><p>[USER DELETED]: same</p><p>five: and about the stuff that actually MATTERS right now</p><p>five: in order to prevent the apocalypse once and for all we need to focus on solving every single problem that makes this family dysfunctional</p><p>diego: GOOD LUCC</p><p>allison: :,))</p><p>vanya: </p><p>klaus: I choked on my cold brew chai lavender chai latte with almond milk and now it's everywhere</p><p>[USER DELETED]: shame</p><p>[USER DELETED]: somebody woke up at 5 am to milk those almonds for your coffee and this is the thanks you give them</p><p>klaus: extraordinarily funny, benny</p><p>klaus: being dead doesn't authorize you to use dead memes</p><p>[USER DELETED]: oh doesn't it though?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you're not the one to make the rules</p><p>allison: @five, but how are you planning on getting to it? How are we supposed to deal with all the childhood traumas now?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: therapeutic sessions?</p><p>diego: s u r e</p><p>diego: like any respectable psychiatrist would endure treating superpowered shitbags we are</p><p>five: no, Allison, we will set things right ourselves. one issue after another</p><p>five: numerically. starting with Luther, ending with Vanya. and no skipping anybody</p><p>five: this time.</p><p>klaus: ah damn</p><p>klaus: here goes my sobriety</p><p>klaus: I guess I've kept it long enough by now</p><p>[USER DELETED]: ??? you washed down your strepsils pills with lemon vodka precisely this morning</p><p>klaus: but that's only because it was standing closer to the bed than water</p><p>diego: klaus you idiot</p><p>[USER DELETED]: amen</p><p>diego: you're not meant to swallow strepsils pills</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I TRIED TO PERSUADE HIM THAT FOR SO LONG BUT IT WAS LIKE ARGUING WITH A DISHWASHER</p><p>klaus: mon dieu, how much chaotic energy can a person contain?</p><p>klaus: (I was being sarcastic, I'm making fun of both of you)</p><p>diego: yeah sarcastic my ass</p><p>diego: wait</p><p>diego: maybe you've just confused your pills with something else</p><p>klaus: good heavens Diego I'm too much of a junkie to mistaken strepsils for ecstasy</p><p>diego:</p><p>diego: </p><p>diego: I didn't say a word about ecstasy... ?</p><p>
  <i>klaus has left the conversation.</i>
</p><p>diego: for fuck's sake</p><p>allison: What's happening? Is anyone with him??</p><p>luther: Leave it Allison, worrying about him is a waste of time</p><p>five: jesus luther have you read a single word of what I wrote here</p><p>five: we need to deal with ALL the issues. there's no stopping the apocalypse otherwise.</p><p>luther: But there's no issue with him, he's happy as stoned as he usually is :v</p><p>diego: okay now who votes for removing luther from this family and launching him back to the moon??</p><p>five: everyone but this won't do as a solution either.</p><p>
  <i>five added klaus to the conversation. </i>
</p><p>five: enough with the drama.</p><p>five: and as for the rest of you, don't even consider leaving this chat or there will be consequences.</p><p>five: you are all my prisoners.</p><p>
  <i>diego has left the conversation.  </i>
</p><p>five: brb I'm off to get his scalp for this one.</p><p>
  <i>five is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline.</i>
</p><p>vanya: Ben? What's up with Klaus?? </p><p>allison: Tell us he didn't head straight off to the liquor store</p><p>[USER DELETED] no</p><p>[USER DELETED] he did it the gayest way possible</p><p>allison: Ben...</p><p>[USER DELETED] ok ok I meant he stopped by in the spa to get lavender balleyage</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he's being comforted by four female hairdressers, two clients and a make-up artist as we speak</p><p>[USER DELETED]: there's 17 people waiting outside in the queue</p><p>[USER DELETED]: the make-up artist brought biscuits</p><p>allison: Chocolate ones?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: coconut I believe</p><p>allison: Meh</p><p>allison: They'll do fine without us, right?</p><p>vanya: Oh, God</p><p>vanya: This family doesn't have issues</p><p>vanya: It's a one huge issue itself</p><p>[USER DELETED]: crap diego's calling me</p><p>allison: He probably needs some help with Five chasing him around with a scalpel</p><p>[USER DELETED]: yup I guess so</p><p>luther: Don't answer</p><p>[USER DELETED]: wasn't gonna ;u;</p><p>luther: I Love you brother<i></i></p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] added diego to the conversation.</i>
</p><p>luther: Ahhh now that's disappointing</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you're the only dickhead in this family I'm sorry</p><p>luther: :c</p><p>luther: Exactly what I'm disappointed about</p><p>allison: Whoa Luther when did you get do snarky?</p><p>diego: after your second marriage perhaps<i></i></p><p>
  <i>five is online.</i>
</p><p>five: stop grilling allison for having an actual love life unlike you</p><p>diego: stop fucking hiding in my bathroom with a gun</p><p>five: shit, I didn't expect you to have this much of a perceptive skill to actually spot me.</p><p>diego: you are literally just sitting there with the lights on</p><p>five: precisely.</p><p>five: this place is gross by the way</p><p>five: had I known you enjoyed living in rubbish, I wouldn't work my head off to prevent the apocalypse.</p><p>diego:</p><p>diego: you little shit<br/>
<i><br/>
diego is offline.</i></p><p>five: oh how delightful, he's coming here.<i></i></p><p>
  <i>five is offline.</i>
</p><p>allison: That would be it for Diego, I suppose</p><p>luther: Yup<i></i></p><p>
  <i>luther is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>allison is offline.</i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]:</p><p>[USER DELETED]:</p><p>[USER DELETED]: ah how I missed you all</p><p>vanya: ♡</p><p>[USER DELETED]: oh you're still here Vanya?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: EW NO WAIT UHH I MEANT<i></i></p><p>
  <i>vanya is offline.</i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: crap</p><p>[USER DELETED]: that went down like a lead balloon<i></i></p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is offline.</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. chatroom against the apocalypse (00.01)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>AKA the moonboy's turn</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>(7) users are online.</i>
</p><p>five: good, we're all here</p><p>five: so</p><p>five: as I decided earlier we are addressing issues numerically, ergo luther goes first.</p><p>luther: What the hell am I supposed to do here?</p><p>five: say what's on your mind. what makes you pissed about this family</p><p>diego: fuck no</p><p>diego: we all know exactly what's he gonna say</p><p>luther: I have authority issues</p><p>diego: dÄd seÑť mE t0 tHe m00n &gt;:(((((cc</p><p>diego: oh</p><p>luther: I've grown so much accustomed to be the right hand that I forgot I'm actually a full body</p><p>diego: oh shit</p><p>luther: And doing things my own way might result as good as anyone else's</p><p>diego: oh shit that's kinda deep</p><p>luther: Also I hate Diego and I really wish for his death, anytime now</p><p>diego: I'm touched</p><p>diego: and also not entirely convinced about that second part, just so you know</p><p>diego: but it's great you realize what a big-ass baby you are</p><p>klaus: is now a good time to do it?</p><p>klaus: cause imma do it</p><p>five: do what<i></i></p><p>
  <i>klaus set luther's nick to galarctic_monkey.</i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: what a wholesome example of a pun gone wrong</p><p>galarctic_monkey: I don't know what this refers to</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Do I wanna know?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: OMFG KLAUS YOU SEE THIS</p><p>klaus: AJAJAJJASJALDkdjclshsh</p><p>diego: nice<i></i></p><p>
  <i>klaus set five's nick to middle-aged_dirtbag_baby.</i>
</p><p>klaus: yeah I'm proud of myself</p><p>[USER DELETED]: @<span class="u">galarctic_monkey</span> so what are you gonna do now? we're on our own, replaced by the sparrows</p><p>diego: yeah no daddy ahead</p><p>klaus: except for five-o maybe</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Please no I Seriously didn't want to hear this one again</p><p>klaus: nobody wants to hear the truth</p><p>vanya: Hey, speaking of the sparrows and stuff</p><p>vanya: How is Ben still around???</p><p>vanya: I mean didn't you like discorporate into the dimension of settled ghosts or something like this?</p><p>klaus: he's using heavenly channel through a dead account and my own mobile data</p><p>klaus: yeah idk either but it's working so</p><p>diego: you're conjuring the dead by being a hot spot?</p><p>diego: like... an online ouija board?</p><p>diego: seems kinda messed up</p><p>allison: First time in this family?</p><p>diego: I could ask you same thing step sis</p><p>klaus: whOA WHOA DIEGO HOL' UP YOU SAVAGE</p><p>diego: never</p><p>galarctic_monkey: What the hell are they talking about now?</p><p>allison: They're making fun of us, you should be used to it by now</p><p>galarctic_monkey: ?</p><p>allison: Oh Lord don't make me explain this</p><p>[DELETED USER]: you know Luther, first time is like a sex thing</p><p>galarctic_monkey: ...</p><p>klaus: sex</p><p>klaus: intercourse</p><p>klaus: woohoo</p><p>klaus: penis into vajayjay </p><p>[DELETED USER]: thanks for clarifying the shit out of it, gross</p><p>[DELETED USER]: @<span class="u">galarctic_monkey</span> and Diego suggested-</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Yeah okay I get it stop talking</p><p>galarctic_monkey: You all should really slow it Down with grilling us</p><p>galarctic_monkey: We've never even did anything couple-like</p><p>galarctic_monkey: And even if we did, it's none of your concern. We're not biologically related so there's that</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Is this supposed to be a therapeutic experience? Because I don't think it's working</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: well honestly I strongly disbelieve you're important enough to play a crucial part in causing the end of the world so we can skip your thing.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I didn't want to suggest it though, it would be inappropriate.</p><p>klaus: aw Five you and your pure golden heart</p><p>vanya: No!</p><p>vanya: Five, you said it yourself. No skipping anybody</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: if you're worried you're going to get skipped next, you can relax</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: your powers aren't something we can afford to neglect.</p><p>klaus: uhh</p><p>klaus: you should've given this up for 'we care about you Vanny' or smth</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: the world ends in a week, no time for toying with each other</p><p>allison: Is that what we're doing here?</p><p>allison: A therapy session that's not meant to help us, just calm us down for a few days so we can achieve... what exactly?</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: a future?</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: wake up allison, life is not a romantic novel.</p><p>klaus: yup and even if it were no one could possibly fix our kaputt metal conditions in a week</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: agreed, surprisingly. we need a short-term solution.</p><p>[USER DELETED]: hey I have this crazy idea</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Yeah?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: what if we just pair up or something and looked after one another?</p><p>diego: how's that gonna help?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: nobody will be left alone at the end of the day</p><p>[USER DELETED]: and that's like the biggest problem with all of us, we haven't had proper sibling bonding throughout our whole childhood</p><p>diego: save luthlison</p><p>[USER DELETED]: save luthlison indeed</p><p>allison: Can you stop it for like five minutes?</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: that's not a terrible idea after all, ben. it's worth a shot.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: except how do you intend to pair up seven people?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: easy-peasy I'm dead so I don't count</p><p>vanya: But you're a better brother than any of the living ones..</p><p>vanya: Usually</p><p>[USER DELETED]: ty Vanny ;u;</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I'm amazed by how none of you tries to argue</p><p>[USER DELETED]: @<span class="u">vanya</span> you of all people need somebody real tho</p><p>diego: okay sweet but how are we pairing up?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I'm going to roll a dice on that</p><p>diego: as long as I don't get Luther, fine by me</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you got Luther</p><p>diego: for fUCK'S SAKE BEN</p><p>[USER DELETED]: actually you got Vanya but I think it'd be great if you and him had each other's backs for once so no excuses</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: affirmative, luther goes with you.</p><p>galarctic_monkey: I feel objectificated for some reason</p><p>galarctic_monkey: And this was Meant to by my therapy session</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I rolled the dice again and Vanya goes with Allison</p><p>diego: you're not rolling any dices are you?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: obviously I am</p><p>[USER DELETED]: *dices rolling sound*</p><p>[USER DELETED]: see? I just rolled the dices</p><p>diego: you didn't roll shit</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I'VE ROLLED THEM</p><p>diego: you don't have a body</p><p>[USER DELETED]: maybe but there's that thingy called internet dice roller you dummy</p><p>klaus: which you're not using, Benny-boy</p><p>klaus: I can see you scrolling through powerful cats auraposting pictures</p><p>diego: what the hell does this even mean</p><p>diego: anyway</p><p>diego: sorry five you end up with klaus</p><p>diego: have a nice day knowing the six-days-long rest of your life's gonna be a complete disaster</p><p>klaus:</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he's just soggy from having Luther for a companion</p><p>klaus: I know but he didn't say anything incorrect</p><p>klaus: that's sort of sad</p><p>[USER DELETED]: put that orange liqueur bottle down</p><p>klaus: wait what how do you even know I'm holding a liqueur bottle?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you always hold that liqueur bottle when you get sad</p><p>[USER DELETED]: can someone with a body go and stop him?? he needs solid adult supervision 24/7</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: is this liqueur a triple sec?</p><p>klaus: hell yeah my man, pretty sure there's some lime and tequila left as well</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: kosher. I'm right on it then</p><p>
  <i>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby is offline.</i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED] jesus christ you can't be serious</p><p>klaus: I'm run out of spices though but it's okay</p><p>klaus: ben's being so salty today it'll be more than enough for a rim</p><p>diego: ahahah good one!</p><p>
  <i>allison is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>vanya is offline.</i>
</p><p>diego: well off we go then I guess</p><p>
  <i>diego is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is offline.</i>
</p><p>galarctic_monkey:</p><p>galarctic_monkey:</p><p>galarctic_monkey: You know what?</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Dad did send me to the Moon &gt;:( <i></i></p><p>
  <i>galarctic_monkey is offline.<br/>
</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. chatroom against the apocalypse (00.02)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>(6) users are online. </i>
</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: morning</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I can see one of us is insuborhrshadinating.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: who is it? confess this instantfgt44</p><p>allison: Well, it's not me</p><p>[USER DELETED]: me neither</p><p>vanya: I'm here too</p><p>vanya: Five, are you okay?</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Present</p><p>klaus: ich auch, although I'd honestly prefer to be somewhere else</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: which leaves us with a conclusion that diego has gone rogUE.</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Of course he has, it's his Turn today</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: luther you are his pair, why haven't you kept an eye on him?</p><p>galarctic_monkey: I don't want to be his pair</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: well I don't want to babysit all five and a goddamn half or however we're counting ben in here of you YET HERE WE ARE:</p><p>
  <i>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby has kicked galarctic_monkey offline. </i>
</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: the thingszzs I PUT UP WITH IT'S UNBELIEVABLE</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: HOW are you nor capable of fulfilinlg one el3mentarytr task of godksmanmn being where I tell you to be</p><p>allison: Hey don't talk down to us this way, we're here and we're ready</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: well that's wondeeerful sweetheart but we cunt exactly discuss diegho issues without diego nkw can we?</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: why on earth am I even wasting my time on saving you all</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I coulda just</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: sit through it.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: wait till it's over and I'm dead </p><p>klaus: at least you'd get some decent sleep</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: precisely</p><p>allison: Oh my God Five you're drunk aren't you?</p><p>vanya: It's 8 am...</p><p>vanya: Why did you get drunk at 8 am?</p><p>klaus: he didn't lmao</p><p>klaus: he just hasn't sobered up from yesterday yet</p><p>allison: How are you sobered up by now and Five's not?</p><p>klaus: oh well since I'm very engaged in the internal fight with my weaknesses and keeping myself clean I drank very moderately</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: he puked half of his margaritas out before m8idnight</p><p>klaus: I did</p><p>klaus: and five held my hair in the process</p><p>klaus: that was a lovely little sibling moment by the way</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: yeah it was but now shut the hell up</p><p>[USER DELETED]: did you both get wasted yesterday??!</p><p>[USER DELETED]: Five you were supposed to watch him!</p><p>middle-aged dirtbag baby: yeeah like he's a kid or sommrthing.</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he is</p><p>klaus: I am</p><p>klaus: hey five can we get some breakfast since we're waiting for diego</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: just open your fcking fridge</p><p>klaus: did you just 'we have food at home' me?</p><p>allison: All he has in his fridge is booze</p><p>klaus: HAHA not since last night it isn't</p><p>klaus: and fivey should know it by now</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: we3ll I guess I could go for a cup of coffee.</p><p>klaus: that's the spirit!</p><p>[USER DELETED]: </p><p>klaus: no I did not mean you</p><p>allison: Hey hey hey both of you, you can't even drive how do you intend on getting out?</p><p>klaus: do spatial jumps ring a bell sis?</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: actually I cant do spatial jumps while I'm dr7nk we're taking the bus.</p><p>klaus: whaaa</p><p>klaus: being alive is a nightmare</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he said after a one (1) minor inconvenience has occured</p><p>klaus: yeah like you know shit about being alive deadass</p><p>[USER DELETED]: erm</p><p>[USER DELETED]: ... I do? I was alive before I died</p><p>allison: Oh my God</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: get dressed kid</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: *klaus</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: i meant klaus</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: shut up</p><p>klaus: uhhh don't wanna I'm comfy like this</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: you're not going to show anywhere near me wrapped in bed sheets.</p><p>klaus: yeah because that's the only way I can possibly embarass you in public</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I figured it's good to narrow down your area of manoeuvre ☺</p><p>klaus: okay touché</p><p>klaus: this old man smiley face is creeping me out</p><p>klaus: I'm gonna wear a skirt</p><p>middle-aged dirtbag baby: whatever just get it done already.</p><p>klaus: hey Ally I'm taking your eggshell midi</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you're never done with the eggshell thing aren't you?</p><p>allison: Why do you even have my eggshell midi skirt in your apartment?</p><p>klaus: that's an excellent question actually</p><p>vanya: You have an apartment?? How so??</p><p>klaus: I'm renting it</p><p>allison: Wait for real? </p><p>klaus: did you think I've been living here illegally hiding under a couch everytime the real owner drops by?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you know perfectly it wouldn't be that much of a surprise</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: stop distracting him or he'll never get goddamn reddit</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: reddi</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby:  reddy</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: redy</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you're almost there keep going</p><p>allison: Gosh I mean I'm very happy for you, I just didn't expect it</p><p>allison: Last time I checked you were inhabiting a temple</p><p>allison: A temple of your own religion which is pretty impressive</p><p>klaus: now it's even better ngl</p><p>klaus: fivey I'm ready!</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: it's about damn time</p><p>
  <i>diego is online.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>galarctic_monkey is online.</i>
</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Found him</p><p>diego: sorry im late, my knife got stuck in some street mugger's abdomen</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: yeah perfect no now you can go to hell I don't give a flying fuck anymore<i></i></p><p>
  <i>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby is offline.</i>
</p><p>diego: wow this is just not the right way to do therapy</p><p>vanya: God Five don't be like this</p><p>vanya: We're all here we can start the fixing thing again</p><p>klaus: he's put the phone down Vanny</p><p>klaus: ah christ on a cracker</p><p>diego: what</p><p>klaus: the waitress brought kids menu</p><p>klaus: uhhh ohhh not good</p><p>klaus: the way five gripped a spoon makes me uncomfortable</p><p>klaus: i think he's gonna gauge her eye out</p><p>klaus: there will be bloodshed here today people, take screenshots</p><p>klaus: ohh...</p><p>diego: what?</p><p>vanya: What the hell is going on in there???</p><p>klaus: no no it's okay she gave it to me</p><p>diego: well you do look more childish than an actual child so there's that</p><p>galarctic_monkey: Diego shouldn't we be discussing your mommy issues for like Half an hour by now?</p><p>diego: I don't know, shouldn't you?</p><p>allison: Yeah, we should</p><p>allison: Diego are you experiencing an Oedipus complex?</p><p>diego: no</p><p>diego: what the actual f- NO</p><p>diego: NO WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASK ME THIS</p><p>allison: Alright, so you don't have issues with Mom, I get it</p><p>diego: jesus fuck</p><p>allison: But for sure there is something that bothers you in this family</p><p>vanya: Be honest with us</p><p>diego: okay, will do</p><p>diego: I hate you all</p><p>diego: thread closed</p><p>allison: No</p><p>vanya: What exactly do you hate about us?</p><p>diego: ha you really want to know</p><p>diego: okay</p><p>diego: 1) we never goddamn work together</p><p>diego: 2) luther is a prick</p><p>diego: 3) </p><p>diego: no that's it actually but you can double the luther thing</p><p>allison: Why do you hate Luther so much?</p><p>allison: Because he's number one? Is that the issue here?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I- I think it's much simplier</p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] has changed galarctic_monkey's nickname to daddy_boy</i>
</p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] has changed diego's nickname to mommy_boy.</i>
</p><p>daddy_boy: ...</p><p>daddy_boy: Ben what the actual hell?</p><p>mommy_boy: this... this isn't entirely wrong and I hate it</p><p>mommy_boy: I guess I did clinge to mom similar way luther did to dad</p><p>mommy_boy: but the fact that him and I have similarities doesn't mean I'm gonna like him more</p><p>mommy_boy: quite the opposite actually</p><p>daddy_boy: Awww</p><p>daddy_boy: Luckily I don't give much shit</p><p>mommy_boy: funny considering the amount of eggs you devour</p><p>allison: Hahah good one</p><p>mommy_boy: *finger guns*<i></i></p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy has changed daddy_boy's nickname to BASICALLY_MONKY.</i>
</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Wait what</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Allison how could you? ;_;</p><p>allison: I genuinely laughed at this, this was funny</p><p>mommy_boy: HA</p><p>mommy_boy: alright, that bit was sorta therapeutic</p><p>mommy_boy: we can do this more often</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: No</p><p>allison: No</p><p>[USER DELETED]: out of the question</p><p>klaus: noOOooojskfllkslkj </p><p>klaus: no</p><p>klaus: hold up why is Luther spelled in capitals</p><p>diego: because he big</p><p>klaus: oh okay</p><p>klaus has set vanya's nickname as ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ.</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: ???</p><p>diego: lmao funniest shit I've ever seen!</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you're goddamn right</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Why do you keep using references I don't understand...</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Oh no </p><p>mommy_boy: luther don't do shit I'll handle this</p><p>mommy_boy: vanya how would you rate your current frustration</p><p>mommy_boy: on a scale of 1-blowing up the fucking moon?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Guys I'm not going to destroy the world because I didn't catch a movie reference</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: That's refreshing</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Excuse me??</p><p>[USER DELETED]: no worries Vanny you'll have your moment in a couple of days</p><p>mommy_boy: alright I've had enough see you guys tomorrow</p><p>mommy_boy: luther u going?</p><p>klaus: uwu you're going out together?</p><p>mommy_boy: yeah unfortunately he's said to be my pair<i></i></p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is offline. </i>
</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is online. </i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: and don't do this uwu crap, it makes you sound even more stupid</p><p>klaus: well there's little to lose uwu</p><p>mommy_boy: whatever <i></i></p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is offline. </i>
</p><p>allison: I don't feel like we solved anything today</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Well I feel like I need another day</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: You know, for opening up<br/>
<i><br/>
klaus is offline.</i></p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ is offline. </i>
</p><p>allison:</p><p>allison: How about tomorrow?<i></i></p><p>
  <i>BASICALLY_MONKY is offline. </i>
</p><p>allison: Rude<i></i></p><p>
  <i>allison is offline. </i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. chatroom against the apocalypse (00.03)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>i don't know where I'm going with this but I'm going fast</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>(7) users are online. </i>
</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: allison if you're absent I am going to find you and murder you. period.</p><p>mommy_boy: calm your tits five it says we're all set up there</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I am calm</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: klaus can tell you how extraordinarily calm I am</p><p>klaus: please stop telling a sleep-deprived assassin with a welding torch to calm down</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Why on Earth does Five have a welding torch...?</p><p>mommy_boy: why do you act like a 13 yo can't weld things for fun at 8 am</p><p>klaus: gasp</p><p>klaus: stop misaging him</p><p>klaus: all my homies hate people trying to deprive other people of their identity</p><p>klaus: that's the one issue we've never had in this family</p><p>[USER DELETED]: Klaus is right, actually</p><p>[USER DELETED]: even dad treated us like crap regardless of who we felt we are</p><p>allison: I'd drink to that</p><p>[USER DELETED]: hi Ally :&gt;</p><p>allison: Hi everyone!</p><p>allison: I guess I'm ready</p><p>allison: I don't have much to talk about though haha</p><p>mommy_boy: yeah yeah the hell you don't</p><p>allison: No I meant</p><p>allison: I was more of a bully than a bullied if you get me</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Vanya literally slit your throat</p><p>mommy_boy: yup that seems pretty bullyish</p><p>allison: Not her fault</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: She almost killed you</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: luther you on the other hand tried to squeeze her to death and lock her away same way father did</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: you don't get to talk.</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Get off your high horse, Five</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: You're not crystal clear either</p><p>allison: Hey!</p><p>allison: Stop it</p><p>allison:  I have the talking conche now, I decide who gets to talk</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: that's just not how it works.</p><p>mommy_boy: blah blah blah five we can't here you from your 5'3 inches</p><p>[USER DELETED]: okay, low-blow</p><p>mommy_boy: very low, indeed</p><p>klaus: haha height jokes</p><p>klaus: they never fail to put a smile on my face</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I suppose you all can't even see me then</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: That actually explains a lot...</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Uhmm</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Who said that?</p><p>
  <i>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby removed BASICALLY_MONKY from the conversation. </i>
</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: he's no use.</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy added BASICALLY_MONKY to the conversation.</i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: he just started to be fun</p><p>allison: Wait hold on a second</p><p>allison: Did Diego and Luther start to get along?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: That's a little overstatement</p><p>mommy_boy: nothing about you is little</p><p>allison: God</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Cut it Diego</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Unless your knife abilities end with throwing</p><p>allison: What is going on in here??</p><p>klaus: idk sis, it's your session</p><p>klaus: should I ask you out for tacos so you can vent out about this venting out?</p><p>allison: Thanks but I really don't have the strength to cure a two-day hangover while picking up pieces of my dignity torn to shreds after having tacos with you</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Again</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: You forgot to add 'again'</p><p>allison: Right</p><p>klaus: </p><p>klaus: fair enough</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Just for the record... I really didn't mean to almost kill you, Allison</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I was sad</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I have shitty coping mechanisms</p><p>klaus: jinx</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: jinx indeed.</p><p>klaus: oh hi</p><p>klaus: are you maybe planning on leaving my apartment anytime soon?</p><p>klaus: asking for a friend</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: no</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I'm good here.</p><p>klaus: christ on a cracker</p><p>klaus: my alcohol supplies won't be enough for the two of us unless the apocalypse speeds up</p><p>klaus: okay everyone change of plans stop solving issues, we're making new ones now</p><p>klaus: there's no time I want to drink cherry vodka from the bathtub till I die</p><p>mommy_boy: okay weird</p><p>[USER DELETED]: there's no need for the apocalypse to make that happen</p><p>allison: Don't make that happen though</p><p>allison: Like... please??</p><p>mommy_boy: okay I took a few seconds to reconsider it and</p><p>mommy_boy: klaus I'm coming over</p><p>mommy_boy: fill the tub</p><p>klaus: oh I see we're going fast, I like it</p><p>klaus: bring candles</p><p>klaus: and pot </p><p>klaus: a lot of pot</p><p>klaus: and I mean like weed cannabis pot sort of thing, not a flowerpot</p><p>[USER DELETED]: why are you explaining this</p><p>klaus: you never know who can get confused</p><p>allison: @<span class="u">mommy_boy</span> You're fussing over my pseudo-incest, yet you do things like this</p><p>mommy_boy: what</p><p>mommy_boy: wtf no I meant vodka</p><p>mommy_boy: we're not gonna have a bath together</p><p>klaus: we're not?</p><p>mommy_boy: @<span class="u">allison</span> luther is your sibling for fuck's sake</p><p>allison: So is Lila, but you didn't have any problems with her</p><p>mommy_boy: it's NOT the same thing</p><p>mommy_boy: you two were raised as siblings</p><p>allison: It's bold of you to assume we have ever been raised</p><p>mommy_boy: ok you have a point here but you two spent your childhood together as brother and sister, step ones or not</p><p>mommy_boy: and I met Lila like months ago, she was a stranger to me</p><p>allison: Oh yeah so your incest is better than my incest</p><p>mommy_boy: mine's not incest</p><p>allison: Here we go</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Hey but how do you even know whether it's incest or not...?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: We were born from some kind of magical power, maybe it originated from the same source?</p><p>allison: Okay you know what?</p><p>allison: I don't care if it's incest or not</p><p>allison: I actually don't</p><p>allison: I lost my family twice</p><p>allison: Once due to rumours, twice due to goddamn time-travels</p><p>allison: You all should be actually proud of me for being able to love and not becoming a wreck of myself yet </p><p>allison: I am in love with Luther</p><p>allison: There, I've said it</p><p>allison: And I need stabilization in my life, so if he's willing to give me one, I don't care about anything else</p><p>mommy_boy: cool motive, still incest</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I was just about to say this</p><p>mommy_boy: you'd never say it, you're too much of a gentle ball of fluff</p><p>[USER DELETED]: that's the nicest insult I've ever heard</p><p>allison: That's actually the incest thing Diego's ever said to anybody</p><p>allison: *nicest</p><p>allison: This is your fault Diego</p><p>mommy_boy: @<span class="u">allison</span> the tongue always turns to the aching tooth</p><p>mommy_boy: also I love Ben</p><p>mommy_boy: in a very bortherly and not incestous way</p><p>[USER DELETED]: aww I love you too bro</p><p>[USER DELETED]: </p><p>[USER DELETED]: don't drink vodka from the tub</p><p>mommy_boy: I'm totally drinking vodka from the tub</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I don't know what I expected</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Way too much is what you expected</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: I'm sorry I was out for a Minute. What happened here?</p><p>mommy_boy: your sister cofessed her erotic love for you while you were taking a dump</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: I wasn't taking a dump</p><p>allison: Is this seriously the part you chosed to focus on?</p><p>mommy_boy: right if you were you'd probably never make it back here before the apocalypse</p><p>klaus: oy vey</p><p>klaus: another good reason for speeding it up</p><p>klaus: we're sooo speeding it up</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: given that tomorrow is your day, out of the question.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: actually no, it's out of the question even without you being next.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: our goal is to keep the world together, not destroy it.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: I've got no idea how did you get confused about this.</p><p>klaus: my attention span is practically non-existent</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: WAIT </p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: HOLD UP</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: DID ALLISON SAY SHE LOVED ME?</p><p>[USER DELETED] just like his perceptive skills </p><p>mommy_boy: no she was just messin' around</p><p>
  <i>BASICALLY_MONKY IS OFFLINE.</i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: whoa what the shit</p><p>mommy_boy: luther's so big he even logged off all in caps</p><p>mommy_boy: fuck</p><p>mommy_boy: he jumped off the window</p><p>[USER DELETED]: what???? is he okay?????</p><p>mommy_boy: he's a giant ape-man made of superhero steroids and scrambled eggs of course he's okay</p><p>[USER DELETED]: well yeah but he's soft inside</p><p>mommy_boy: that only broke the fall </p><p>mommy_boy: you know</p><p>mommy_boy: so he didn't hurt his inCESTINES BHAHAHAH</p><p>
  <i>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby is offline.</i>
</p><p>klaus: you're officially banned from my bathtub for a pun this bad</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline. </i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: whatever man</p><p>mommy_boy: luther's running now, idk where but I'm guessing allison's place</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Allison ran out of the house too...</p><p>mommy_boy: y'all can run but you can't hide</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I don't need to hide to never be noticed</p><p>mommy_boy: lmao</p><p>mommy_boy: hmm since now we're the only ones without company</p><p>mommy_boy: you want some pot?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Sure</p><p>mommy_boy: wait for real?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Yeah</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: My drosera's grown lately, it needs repotting</p><p>mommy_boy:</p><p>mommy_boy: uhhhh </p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Oh</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Ohh you meant weed</p><p>mommy_boy: y-yeah</p><p>mommy_boy: hey actually I do have a redundant flowerpot </p><p>mommy_boy: you want it? I can bring weed while I'm at it</p><p>mommy_boy: pot in a pot</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Well</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Okay :)</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: See you at my place then</p><p>mommy_boy: sweet</p><p>
  <i>everyone is offline.</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. chatroom against the apocalypse (00.04)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>boo, I'm still alive</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>(4) users are online.</i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: fifty bucks that he won't come</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Sixty</p><p>mommy_boy: make it sixty-nine or you're a wuss</p><p>mommy_boy: ah</p><p>mommy_boy: nevermind</p><p>mommy_boy:  you're already a wuss</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I think he will come, actually</p><p>mommy_boy: wanna bet on it?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I... I guess I might</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Don't do it, you'll lose your money</p><p>[USER DELETED]: just have a little faith, papi</p><p>mommy_boy: what the hell</p><p>[USER DELETED]: seriously you didn't watch the series?</p><p>mommy_boy: just because it's about a bunch of guys breaking out of prison doesn't automatically mean I've watched it</p><p>[USER DELETED]: Luther is totally Lincoln Burrows</p><p>mommy_boy: Jesus Christ yes</p><p>mommy_boy: crap</p><p>
  <i>allison is online.</i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: GOOD MORNING ALLISON MY DEAREST SISTER HOW ARE YOU DOING TODAY</p><p>allison: Hi guys </p><p>allison: Uhh </p><p>allison: Luther why didn't you put the coffee on I'm so tired I can barely see</p><p>mommy_boy: LONG NIGHT HUH</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Same :((</p><p>allison: Yes Diego, a very long one</p><p>allison: @<span class="u">ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ</span> Why??? </p><p>mommy_boy: repotting</p><p>mommy_boy: terribly exhausting </p><p>mommy_boy: luckily I was there to help</p><p>mommy_boy: I'm using voice recognition rn I can't see **** either</p><p>mommy_boy: what the ****</p><p>mommy_boy: WHAT THE **** YOU ************* PIECE OF ******* **** GODDAMN MACHINE ******* **** YOU</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Can you stop swearing at your phone so damn loud? I can hear everything from the kitchen</p><p>allison: How are you writing in capitals using voice recognition??</p><p>[USER DELETED]: anything's possible if you're screaming loud enough</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: True</p><p>
  <i>klaus is online.</i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: now THAT'S what I call a plot twist</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Ha!</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Thanks Klaus</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Diego owes me money now</p><p>klaus: I know, Ben told me</p><p>klaus: that's why I'm here</p><p>mommy_boy: well now I don't owe you ****</p><p>mommy_boy: ****!!!!</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you weren't supposed to bring it up you moron</p><p>klaus: oh</p><p>klaus: what now?</p><p>mommy_boy: play dumb</p><p>mommy_boy: pretty sure we'll fall for it</p><p>klaus: who's Ben?</p><p>mommy_boy: wow that's pretty dumb</p><p>[USER DELETED]: *sigh*</p><p>klaus: aaahhh a ghost!!</p><p>[USER DELETED]: oh come on</p><p>[USER DELETED]: </p><p>[USER DELETED]: boo</p><p>klaus: AAAHHH</p><p>allison: Is Klaus high again?</p><p>klaus: am i what</p><p>[USER DELETED]: NO ALLISON DON'T</p><p>allison: High  </p><p>klaus: hello</p><p>allison: ???</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I tried to stop you</p><p>
  <i>klaus set allison's nickname as noneisn'toff. </i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: what the actual hell</p><p>klaus: it's the opposite day</p><p>
  <i>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby is online.</i>
</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: don't mind him, he's just trying to distract you all so he doesn't have to do the talking.</p><p>middle-aged_dirtbag_baby: needless to say it won't work klaus, so get ahold of yourself.</p><p>
  <i>klaus changed middle-aged_dirtbag_baby's nickname to high_five.</i>
</p><p>klaus: no wait</p><p>
  <i>klaus changed high_five's nickname to ᶠᶦᵛᵉ .</i>
</p><p>ᶠᶦᵛᵉ : stop deflecting</p><p>
  <i>ᶠᶦᵛᵉ removed their nickname. </i>
</p><p>five: talk to us.</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline. </i>
</p><p>noneisn'toff: Did he just???</p><p>five: affirmative.</p><p>five: he just did continue behaving like a child. </p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Can we skip him? Let's skip him</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: He isn't very likely to start the apocalypse anyways</p><p>noneisn'toff: Is this how we value poeple now?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Four days before the apocalypse? Uhh yeah</p><p>
  <i>klaus is online. </i>
</p><p>klaus: hey you'd never believe the thought I just had</p><p>mommy_boy: anything would surprise me</p><p>klaus: no no shut up and hear me out</p><p>five: only if you talk about nothing but the crucial matter.</p><p>mommy_boy: which is you being abused by dad so it's not like you're lacking the material</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Jesus, Diego</p><p>klaus: listen</p><p>klaus: WE</p><p>klaus: ARE</p><p>klaus: THE SEVEN DEADLY SINS</p><p>[USER DELETED]: seen it</p><p>klaus: I don't mean anime </p><p>klaus: I mean the sins</p><p>klaus: hear me out</p><p>noneisn'toff: Where are you going with this?</p><p>mommy_boy: no wait let him finish</p><p>klaus: it fits even in the numerical order</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Now that's just bullshit</p><p>noneisn'toff: Oh my God it does fit!!!</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Hmm when you think of it</p><p>mommy_boy: jesus luther</p><p>noneisn'toff: Jesus, Diego</p><p>klaus: gee, Ally</p><p>[USER DELETED]: jEsUs, KlAuS</p><p>five: jesus, ben</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Jesus, Five!</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: </p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Jesus</p><p>five: anyway, there's no time for any of this meaningless talking. we have FOUR days.</p><p>five: klaus, vent out this instant. </p><p>klaus: I can't I'm nervous</p><p>five: you should be more afraid of me</p><p>klaus: why did you assume my instinct of self-preservation is stronger than my anxiety</p><p>mommy_boy: okay look</p><p>mommy_boy: I'll buy you one of those weird gay-sprinkled frappuccinos with soy sauce if you cooperate</p><p>klaus: 1. what the hell does gay-sprinkled even mean</p><p>klaus: 2. soy sauce??</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he meant soy milk</p><p>mommy_boy: whatever</p><p>klaus: not WHATEVER you don't put cow sauce in your coffee, do you?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I wouldn't be surprised if he did</p><p>mommy_boy: ben don't encourage his deflecting</p><p>mommy_boy: if there's anyone in this family who actually should talk about his issues it's him</p><p>mommy_boy: and five I guess</p><p>mommy_boy: and you</p><p>mommy_boy: vanya too, probably</p><p>mommy_boy: basically everyone who wasn't allowed to speak until now </p><p>klaus: I know you people don't care about my mental health so stop pretending you do</p><p>noneisn'toff: Actually I really need to know who the hell is this Dave guy and how did you meet him</p><p>noneisn'toff: Was it in Dallas?</p><p>klaus: haha</p><p>klaus: no, Ally</p><p>klaus: I met him in Vietnam</p><p>klaus: fighting in a war</p><p>klaus: in 1967</p><p>klaus: after being kidnapped and tortured for days by a pair of assassins</p><p>klaus: and also having a worst withdrawal ever</p><p>klaus: not like I had many of them before</p><p>klaus: and Benny was forced to be there and listen to my pathetic sobs and screams the whole time so I guess I've got that on me too</p><p>[USER DELETED]: for god's sake I WAS NOT THERE BECAUSE YOU MADE ME I WANTED TO HELP</p><p>klaus: right, sorry</p><p>klaus: it happens so rarely in my life I forgot it's a thing</p><p>klaus: I hope I bought you something nice afterwards</p><p>klaus: oh also I died</p><p>klaus: I met god herself and then dad gave me a shave</p><p>klaus: god's a woman, she rides a bike and she hates me</p><p>five: I-</p><p>mommy_boy: what the FUCK klaus</p><p>five: I don't often say this but I'm slightly confused.</p><p>five: when exactly did you quit confiding and went right back to feeding us nonsense?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you'd never believe</p><p>five: try me.</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he didn't</p><p>five:</p><p>five: I need caffeine to cope with this</p><p>klaus: guys he looks kinda pale</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Why has Dad never given me a shave... ?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: not only hasn't he given you a shave</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he's made your hair grow as well</p><p>[USER DELETED]: lots of hair</p><p>klaus: this is exactly why I don't share my emotions with you all</p><p>klaus: hey can somebody help me with five? he found my pure caffeine pills</p><p>noneisn'toff: And why in the God's name would you need something like this in your house?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: wait until he finds out about that ATP you're keeping in the bottle under your bed</p><p>noneisn'toff: WHAT?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I kid you not</p><p>klaus: he kids you yes</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you're killing my vibe here brother</p><p>klaus: your vibe has been dead for 17 years</p><p>[USER DELETED]: and it's the only reason you had anyone to hang out with through your whole younghood</p><p>klaus:</p><p>klaus:</p><p>klaus:</p><p>klaus: cheers</p><p>[USER DELETED]: cheers</p><p>klaus: no but seriously somebody help me here with five I'm not going to deal with this he's dangerous</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: What is he doing?</p><p>klaus: he just finished an entire bottle of caffeine pills and washed them down with a red bull</p><p>mommy_boy: does he have any kind of weapon?</p><p>klaus: yeah</p><p>klaus: himself</p><p>mommy_boy: fair enough</p><p>noneisn'toff: I'd run</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: But he can't just escape and leave Five there... </p><p>mommy_boy: don't worry he won't</p><p>mommy_boy: nobody will outspeed five now</p><p>klaus: I asked five politely to stop so he won't get a heart attack</p><p>noneisn'toff: Good, that's good</p><p>klaus: he yelled HEART ATTACK? I'LL SHOW YOU HEART ATTACK and now he's practising fellatio on a bottle of jagermeister</p><p>noneisn'toff: Less good, definitely less good</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: What?!</p><p>[USER DELETED]: first of all, gross</p><p>[USER DELETED]: second of all, fOR THE LOVE OF GOD KLAUS DO SOMETHING HE'S GONNA DIE</p><p>klaus: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO???</p><p>[USER DELETED]: IDK RISE AN ARMY OF THE UNDEAD OR SOMETHING I DON'T CARE</p><p>klaus: jesus fuck</p><p>klaus: alright I'll try to fix this</p><p>klaus: in which case better stay ten miles away from my place tonight if you value your lives</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline.</i>
</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: I'm going in there</p><p>mommy_boy: same then. can't let the monkey have all the fun</p><p>
  <i>BASICALLY_MONKY is offline.</i>
</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I'm coming too</p><p>
  <i>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: is offline.</i>
</p><p>noneisn'toff: He did specifically tell us not to do come, though</p><p>noneisn'toff: But I guess see you there</p><p>
  <i>noneisn'toff is offline. </i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: yeah</p><p>[USER DELEYED]: uhh</p><p>[USER DELETED]: good luck and have fun</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I guess I'll just hang out with Hazel or something</p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is offline.</i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. chatroom against the apocalypse (00.05)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I know y'all waited for this<br/>Things might get kinda nasty from here so I'm adding a few tags - they're spoilers though. Be warned.</p><p>[I'm not particularly good at describing feelings via group chat, luckily neither are the Hargreeves :^)]</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <i>(1) user is online.</i>
</p><p>five: I know it's 4 am but I have MANY QUESTIONS about yesterday evening.</p><p>
  <i>klaus is online.</i>
</p><p>five: here comes that other sibling with their sleeping pattern badly messed up.</p><p>klaus: fivey!! good to see you all breathing and alive and also certainly not shot to death a couple of hours ago</p><p>klaus: is Diego there with you?</p><p>five: yeah he's asleep and drooling suliva on the floor.</p><p>five: his spine is going to hurt like shit later.</p><p>five: I'd move him but I'm plugged into an IV drip for some reason</p><p>klaus: uhm well </p><p>klaus: you did go through a severe alcohol poisoning and puked out like half of your guts after all</p><p>five: doesn't really explain why the bag is filled with blood</p><p>klaus: uhhh haha yes about that </p><p>klaus: you wouldn't believe me if I told you it's AB Rh positive tomato sauce right?</p><p>five: I am not even addressing this question.</p><p>klaus: too bad</p><p>klaus: well there was a gun incident and you were involved</p><p>five: hm</p><p>klaus: yeah</p><p>five: interesting</p><p>five: who did it?</p><p>klaus: look, just remember, it was a very unclear situation and you were really out of it</p><p>klaus: like even I've never behaved anywhere near as crazy as that and it scares me</p><p>five: who. did. it?</p><p>klaus: you did</p><p>five: what?</p><p>klaus: yeah you tried to shoot yourself in the head</p><p>klaus: yelling that you couldn't bear the reality any longer since you feel like you've been dead for past 45 years and this persona you maintain is only a mirror reflection temporarily constructed on remaining scraps of the human you once were and it's too unstable to survive on its own without a purpose that gives you an illusion of significance</p><p>five: </p><p>five: so you guys stopped me?</p><p>klaus: no</p><p>klaus: we didn't need to</p><p>klaus: it was a water gun</p><p>klaus: and when you realized it you grabbed a cheese knife and committed seppuku</p><p>klaus: you've got a condidtion, Fivey</p><p>five: fuck</p><p>five: did I hurt any of you?</p><p>klaus: Luther's on ICU along with Vanny's feelings</p><p>five: what?</p><p>five: what did I say to vanya?</p><p>klaus: that you're gonna make the sacrifice for the sake of the world and then you fired the water gun at her</p><p>five: how did I even get completely wasted so easily</p><p>klaus: you're 13</p><p>five: I'm not</p><p>klaus: your consciousness's age doesn't really have any say in alcohol tollerance</p><p>five: I hate this</p><p>klaus: I know </p><p>five: klaus?</p><p>klaus: yeah?</p><p>five: I know I've never said any of those things you came up with before</p><p>five: I haven't even figured myself out to that extent. </p><p>five: never really give it much thought.</p><p>klaus: well it was busy two weeks for you</p><p>klaus: the rest is true though, you did try to shoot Vanya and gauge Luther's eye out</p><p>five: I have to apologize to her</p><p>klaus: yeah I guess that'll be the right thing to do</p><p>
  <i>five is offline.</i>
</p><p>klaus: wait what</p><p>klaus: I did NOT MEAN NOW</p><p>klaus: IT'S GODDAMN 4 AM FIVE AND YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL WITH A KNIFE WOUND</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is online. </i>
</p><p>klaus: oh thank bicycle girl </p><p>mommy_boy: what the hell klaus what did you tell five???</p><p>mommy_boy: he ripped his picc lines out and just left the room</p><p>klaus: weren't you supposed to watch him so he doesn't escape?</p><p>mommy_boy: as soon as he walked out the morphine stopped working he fell down so I didn't have to</p><p>klaus: you are the worst caretaker there is</p><p>mommy_boy: thank you</p><p>mommy_boy: god, my spine hurts</p><p>klaus: you deserve it, now pick him up</p><p>mommy_boy: don't you wanna take your turn now? </p><p>klaus: don't make me act like a responsible adult, you know how bad I am at this</p><p>
  <i>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ is online.</i>
</p><p>klaus: oh goodie</p><p>klaus: Diego pick five up and give him his phone this instant so he can talk with Vanya</p><p>klaus: or I'll burst into tears</p><p>klaus: and have your home haunted by an army of dead tattooers and knitters</p><p>klaus: and hedgehogs</p><p>mommy_boy: can you really do that?</p><p>klaus: idk let's find out</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Five wants to talk to me...?</p><p>klaus: yeah I told him about this murder attempt of his</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: But it's okay, I know he didn't mean it.... he doesn't need to apologize</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: How is he, by the way?</p><p>
  <i>five is online.</i>
</p><p>five: diego you are going to die in a very painful and gruesome way.</p><p>mommy_boy: I literally did nothing to you</p><p>five: exactly.</p><p>five: hi sis, how are you?</p><p>klaus: fantastic as always</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Five we should talk about yesterday.... it was horrible</p><p>five: I was drunk.</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: You were trying to kill yourself</p><p>five: I was slightly confused at the moment but I'm good now.</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: No, you're not</p><p>mommy_boy: and it's your vent-out day so quit fucking around and do the thing</p><p>klaus: but Benny, Ally and Luther aren't here</p><p>mommy_boy: and they won't for a while since luther is unconscious, allison's with him and ben's like dead or something</p><p>klaus: yeah but the fact that he's dead doesn't mean we should exclude him</p><p>klaus: death won't get him out of family talks</p><p>mommy_boy: so can you summon him or shit?</p><p>klaus: good question</p><p>klaus: anyone has an idea how to summon a ghost via internet?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Try an online ouija board</p><p>mommy_boy: draw a pentagram with paint 3d</p><p>five: stop embarrasing yourself</p><p>klaus: 🕯️⛤🕯️ @<span class="u">Number Six Hargreeves</span></p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is online.</i>
</p><p>klaus: BOOYAH</p><p>[USER DELETED]: what the hell??</p><p>[USER DELETED]: it's 4:20 am</p><p>klaus: oho</p><p>klaus: weed-o know what that means :^))</p><p>[USER DELETED]: if you are disturbing my slumber only to make puny pot puns I'm not jointing you</p><p>klaus: you cannabis such a bore sometimes</p><p>five: stop it klaus it's 4:21 already.</p><p>klaus: :(</p><p>klaus: wait dID YOU SAY JOINT INSTEAD OF JOIN ARE YOU LIKE SERIOUS</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Can we please get back to talking about Five's feelings?</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is offline.</i>
</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: That's super rude...</p><p>five: he's asleep again. let him be.</p><p>[USER DELETED]: that's not bad actually, it's only us biggest screw-ups now</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you can talk openly</p><p>five: you all know what I've been through. and how I feel about that. there's no use repeating it.</p><p>klaus: do you have flashbacks? </p><p>klaus: like... from the apocalypse</p><p>klaus: because I freak out every time I hear a banging noise</p><p>klaus: you can only imagine how often that is</p><p>five: yeah I do.</p><p>five: mostly in winter. snow looks kinda like ash.</p><p>five: flashbacks are not that bad though. </p><p>five: being stuck in this useless teenage body is way worse.</p><p>five: it feels like those 45 years weren't real yet I can't wipe them out from my memory and everybody is treating me like a child they see in front of their eyes.</p><p>five: fucking barista smiling protectively when I order my coffee. it's so annoying I want to rip this smile off his face.</p><p>five: and you know what's the worst part? I'll never grow up.</p><p>five: never.</p><p>five: I got stuck in a body I no longer identify with and I can't find my way back</p><p>klaus: well this happened before, right? </p><p>klaus: and you managed to find it eventually</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Yeah... if it worked one way, it surely must work the other... maybe you just need more time</p><p>[USER DELETED]: and that's something you actually have a good supply of</p><p>klaus: besides. there are perks of having teenage body! </p><p>klaus: you have almost non-existent hangovers most of the time, your knees don't hurt like bitch and nobody expects you to kill them in a split second</p><p>klaus: we know you'd love to have the looks that match your horrible personality but it's best to work with what you've got and make the best out of it</p><p>[USER DELETED]: Klaus is being surprisingly not wrong here</p><p>klaus: thank you</p><p>klaus: I am, after all, repeating the stuff you'd kept telling me, only modyfing it a little</p><p>[USER DELETED]: that explains a lot</p><p>[USER DELETED]: and Five even if you think this is all bullshit, just remember that we love you for who you are and you've got us on your side</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: And you don't have to deal with any of this crap on your own</p><p>klaus: yeah you matter big time to us you precious old grumpy fuck</p><p>klaus: man* sorry, typo</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Five? Are you still here ... ?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Five ....?</p><p>five: yes</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Are you okay?</p><p>five: yeah of course.</p><p>five: thanks, I guess.</p><p>
  <i>five is offline. </i>
</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Oh God</p><p>[USER DELETED]: whoa that was cold</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I'm calling Diego</p><p>[USER DELETED]: did we just screw up therapy?</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is online. </i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: guys what did you do this time</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: ?????</p><p>mommy_boy: he smiled</p><p>mommy_boy: five literally smiled for a sec like he was happy or something</p><p>mommy_boy: what the fuck guys his eyes are wet now</p><p>mommy_boy: there's like an actual tear on his face</p><p>mommy_boy: what do I do</p><p>klaus: can't talk I'm crying rn</p><p>mommy_boy: I acted like I didn't see shit and hid in the bathroom</p><p>klaus: my  e mot i  o N   s </p><p>mommy_boy: HELP ME WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO</p><p>[USER DELETED]: hug him!!</p><p>mommy_boy: wtf no he'll snap my neck if I do that</p><p>klaus: increase his morphine input and then hug him</p><p>klaus: a drug hug for the smug thug</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: We'll come to you</p><p>mommy_boy: I love you Vanya</p><p>mommy_boy: hurry </p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is offline.</i>
</p><p>klaus: and good ol' daddy thought he had better social skills than us</p><p>
  <i>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline. </i>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. chatroom against the apocalypse (00.06) // TOUGH LOVE</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Ben and Klaus are memelords and you won't change my mind</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <br/>
  <i>(4) users are online. </i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: hi everyone uhhhhh I guess it's my turn</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Who's insubordinating ?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: that's a good question</p><p>mommy_boy: five klaus and vanya are sleeping</p><p>[USER DELETED]: oh</p><p>mommy_boy: it's disgustingly cute btw</p><p>mommy_boy: klaus is lying next to five on the hospital bed</p><p>mommy_boy: and vanya's leaning her head against five's chest with her hand in klaus's hair</p><p>[USER DELETED]: aww</p><p>mommy_boy: </p><p>mommy_boy: I'm so waking them up</p><p>noneisn'toff: NO DON'T YOU DARE DIEGO</p><p>mommy_boy: try and stop me</p><p>mommy_boy: what the hell five started yelling at me</p><p>mommy_boy: he literally just opened his eyes and the very first thing he did was insulting me out loud</p><p>noneisn'toff: You deserve this</p><p>mommy_boy: vanya woke up and she's confused</p><p>mommy_boy: five's still yelling it's starting to make me concerned</p><p>mommy_boy: klaus's still asleep tho</p><p>mommy_boy: oh no he's not</p><p>mommy_boy: he murmured something and smacked five on the head like he wanted to switch him off</p><p>mommy_boy: hey five's picked up his breakfast plate and lifted it and he looks like he's about to OH FUCK</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is offline.</i>
</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Now where were we ?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: nowhere</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Right. Let's get started then</p><p>[USER DELETED]: well I'm like double dead so my issues are pretty much solved</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Yeah but before that you went through some serious stuff we've never actually get familiar with</p><p>[USER DELETED]: alright</p><p>[USER DELETED]: but I'm not gonna talk about my first death</p><p>[USER DELETED]: it's like yeeting a bone of contention everytime someone brings this up</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: "Yeeting"?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you wouldn't get it</p><p>[USER DELETED]: anyway</p><p>[USER DELETED]: back when we were young</p><p>[USER DELETED]: father pushed me so hard to do violent things</p><p>[USER DELETED]: and like I've never wanted to be violent</p><p>[USER DELETED]: it wasn't my fault those things lived in me and I didn't want to harm anyone</p><p>[USER DELETED]: but it wasn't about me, or my body, or whatever I wanted</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I was just a gate or a door or something so father treated me like one</p><p>
  <i>klaus is online.</i>
</p><p>klaus: a monster dispenser </p><p>klaus: sorry what's happening?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Go away</p><p>[USER DELETED]: no it's good Klaus is here</p><p>[USER DELETED]: Klaus do you remember when I possessed you and didn't let you out?</p><p>noneisn'toff: What...?</p><p>klaus: I happen to have a vogue recollection</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I said I had no regrets but I gave it some serious thought and I do now</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I did to you the exact same thing father had been doing to me</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I used you and probably hurt you, too. I'm really sorry</p><p>[USER DELETED]: it was so easy to get carried away while finally being on the other side</p><p>klaus: yeah it was garbage</p><p>klaus: well being a door is garbage</p><p>klaus: you were  ₕ ₐ ₙ 𝒹 ₗ ᵢ ₙ 𝓰  it just fine though</p><p>[USER DELETED]: </p><p>[USER DELETED]: IM SORRY BUT I LITERALLY DIED</p><p>[USER DELETED]: AGAIN</p><p>klaus: damn I nailed it and I'm not even hammered</p><p>[USER DELETED]: PLEASE STOP</p><p>klaus: I actually meant what I said though, Benny-boy</p><p>klaus: I know the drill</p><p>klaus: the other day I was telling everyone you weren't with us in the 60's because I was scared they'll start to treat me only as a way of communication with you and I won't matter anymore</p><p>klaus: so I guess you can say we're even now</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I don't want us to be even I want us to be good</p><p>klaus: we good</p><p>[USER DELETED]: woah that was like</p><p>[USER DELETED]: fast</p><p>klaus: because I love you</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I don't deserve you</p><p>klaus: no I don't deserve you</p><p>[USER DELETED]: NO I don't deserve you</p><p>klaus: I'm the trash here, I don't deserve anybody, especially you</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I don't deserve trash then</p><p>klaus: stop insulting my favourite sibling or I'll fight you</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you have no taste in people</p><p>klaus: I do I love your salty ass</p><p>klaus: salt makes trash seem worth it</p><p>[USER DELETED]: if I weren't already dead for 17 years I'd kill myself right away just so you could see how nothing in your life changes when I'm gone</p><p>klaus: if you weren't dead for 17 years then I would've been gone like for ages now</p><p>[USER DELETED]: or you'd have learned how to bond properly with people who are actually ALIVE</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Guys</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Can you stop it at last ?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: This all has already happened and we can't change the past</p><p>
  <i>five is online.</i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I knOW</p><p>klaus: but hE CAN</p><p>[USER DELETED]: hi Five</p><p>klaus: *high fives*</p><p>klaus: ah I got bamboozled</p><p>
  <i>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ is online.</i>
</p><p>five: 'sup?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Is Diego alive?</p><p>five: his pulse is stabilized now.</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Wait what?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Five why on Earth are you being so violent.... ?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: We're your siblings....</p><p>five: like you're the one to talk vanya.</p><p>noneisn'toff: Stop right there</p><p>five: you literally SLIT your sister's THROAT.</p><p>noneisn'toff: She apologized</p><p>five: right that cuts it.</p><p>five: forgive me luther for I have stabbed you in the eye knocked you out and also kicked your balls several times we cool now?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Yeah, actually</p><p>five: what? are you kidding me?</p><p>five: I literally slept with a scalpel under my pillow so I could protect myself in case you decided to take revenge.</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: When did you even manage to steal it..?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: I'm calling the nurse</p><p>five: vanya don't embarrass yourself you think I can't take down a nurse?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Not if I'm in the room you can't</p><p>[USER DELETED]: attagirl!</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: :)</p><p>klaus: I'm also in the room I can help</p><p>five: no offence klaus but your powers won't make any difference.</p><p>five: wait</p><p>five: what the FUCK</p><p>five: is this-</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Yes haha</p><p>noneisn'toff: It's kind of cute how they're texting each other while sitting on the same bed</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: There's a dead nurse in here too now</p><p>noneisnt'off: What?! Did he kill her?!</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: No, Klaus summoned a ghost so Five won't hurt a living person</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: She took the scalpel and patted him on the head and he can't do anything about it:)</p><p>five: WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS FAMILY</p><p>noneisnt'off: Ask Diego</p><p>five: he's non-responsive at this moment.</p><p>five: oh OH I see what you did here.</p><p>five: incredibly hilarious.</p><p>five: jokes on you vanya by the way I don't need any tools to kill people.</p><p>five: depriving me of proper weapons will only lenghten their agony.</p><p>klaus: Five-o you can stop it already we know that deep down you're full of love like a care bear</p><p>five: you are being ridiculous. you have no idea what I am capable of.</p><p>klaus: alrighty, point taken</p><p>five: good.</p><p>
  <i>klaus changed five's nickname to intensive_care_bear.</i>
</p><p>klaus: tough love </p><p>klaus: give me your tough love</p><p>[USER DELETED]: and a lesson to learn</p><p>klaus: your tough love</p><p>[USER DELETED]: is what I deserve</p><p>noneisn'toff: Sweet tough love</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: You're my pretty good luck charm...</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: There's no place I'd rather be than in your arms</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: *insane presto violin playing*</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is online.</i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: WHY IS THE MOON COLLAPSING</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: THE MOON IS WHAT</p><p>mommy_boy: COLLAPSING</p><p>mommy_boy: HOW DID YOU NOT HEAR ME I'M YELLING</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: I DID HEAR YOU I'M JUST-</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: VANYA PUT THE VIOLIN DOWN</p><p>mommy_boy: also why am I lying on the grass what tf happened</p><p>klaus: five hit you with his breakfast plate and yeeted you out of the window</p><p>klaus: ghost nurses caught you tho, your welcome</p><p>mommy_boy: "yeeted"?</p><p>klaus: you wouldn't get it</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: CAN WE GET BACK TO THE MOON FALLING DOWN FROM THE SKY</p><p>mommy_boy: jesus will you shut up about the moon already</p><p>intensive_care_bear: diego was making fun of you you moron.</p><p>klaus: see? Five clarified this for you because he cares &lt;3</p><p>intensive_care_bear: what? no I insulted him.</p><p>klaus: you did it out of love</p><p>intensive_care_bear: no I did it because his stupidity makes me sick.</p><p>klaus: tough love</p><p>intensive_care_bear: DO YOU HAVE AN OFF SWITCH?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: no, believe me I've tried to find one</p><p>mommy_boy: hey Ben</p><p>[USER DELETED]: ?</p><p>mommy_boy: since you were, y'know, dead I never managed to tell you</p><p>mommy_boy: luther decapitated your statue</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Are you seriously bringing this up?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I know</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I've been watching you since my death</p><p>[USER DELETED]: you can laugh at me but that was the worst part</p><p>klaus: thank you</p><p>mommy_boy: if anyone laughs I'm ripping their arms off and shoving them up their butt</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Haha</p><p>mommy_boy: nvm too much work</p><p>[USER DELETED]: the WORST PART</p><p>[USER DELETED]: was when I watched all of you SUFFER and I could do NOTHING to help even though I knew what to do</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Do you regret it...?</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Having to stay on Earth? With Klaus? Watching us?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: no Vanya, I meant it when I told it has all been gravy</p><p>klaus: did you really say that?</p><p>klaus: I can't decide whether to laugh at you or burst into tears of relief</p><p>[USER DELETED]: I'm happy I stayed with Klaus</p><p>[USER DELETED]: but I'm just as happy not having to stay with Klaus any second longer </p><p>klaus: I haven't touched waffles since you went away</p><p>klaus: they just don't taste the same</p><p>klaus: I guess it's just all the gravy is gone :((</p><p>[USER DELETED]: ..........</p><p>klaus: I- I'm gonna go cry alone</p><p>noneisn'toff: Do you want me to go cry alone with you?</p><p>klaus: yes</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Can I tag along...?</p><p>klaus: hell yes</p><p>klaus: we're so gonna end up doing our hair again</p><p>mommy_boy: are you three like a crybaby barber squad or what the fuck</p><p>noneisn'toff: We're the sisters</p><p>klaus: and the gays</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: And the disappointed lovers</p><p>klaus: we also sometimes bury bodies</p><p>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ: Wait what?</p><p>klaus: Ben tell the bicycle girl I say hi</p><p>
  <i>klaus is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>noneisn'toff is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>ᵥᵢₒₗᵢₙ_ᵥₐₙᵧₐ is offline.</i>
</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: I'm having a tough time trying to understand whose venting day was this</p><p>intensive_care_bear: not surprising at all.</p><p>mommy_boy: give him a break five</p><p>mommy_boy: he's been through a lot today</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Oh</p><p>mommy_boy: y'know with the moon all blowing up again and shit</p><p>[USER DELETED]: he had you in the first half, huh?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Not gonna lie... ?</p><p>[USER DELETED]: damn </p><p>[USER DELETED]: I'm proud of you</p><p>
  <i>intensive_care_bear is offline. </i>
</p><p>mommy_boy: it's your turn to watch him big guy</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: Don't call me that</p><p>mommy_boy: you're big and you're a guy what's the problem?</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: It sounds like an insult when you say it</p><p>mommy_boy: just do your job fatass</p><p>
  <i>mommy_boy is offline.</i>
</p><p>[USER DELETED]: as they say</p><p>[USER DELETED]: tough love</p><p>BASICALLY_MONKY: I don't feel sorry for decapitating your statue anymore</p><p>
  <i>BASICALLY_MONKY is offline.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>[USER DELETED] is offline.</i>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>intensive care bear is a rip-off from the simpsons I believe</p><p>also hey Americans do you use 'XD' to express amusement? it's very common in my country so I almost used it here a couple of times but I haven't seen Americans do it so idk help me out here<br/>(I assume you're mostly Americans since you post comments when I'm asleep lol)</p><p>btw thanks for the comments they really help me not abandon this work &lt;33</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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